The scandals continue in . . .
. . . when the US Secret Service acknowledges that agents sent to Colombia to provide security for Obama at the Summit of the Americas allegedly engaged in some unauthorized summiting, if you catch our drift. The agents are immediately recalled to the United States and reassigned to Bill Clinton.
The Greek Parliament, meeting in an emergency session, votes to give heroin a try.
In domestic business news, Facebook, a company with a business model that nobody really understands, spends $1 billion to buy Instagram, another company with a business model that nobody really understands.
On a sad note, beloved entertainer Dick Clark dies, although he will continue to host his popular New Year’s Eve special.
Speaking of sad, in . . .
. . . Gingrich finally suspends his presidential campaign, despite an emotional plea to keep fighting from his base of supporters, namely Mr. and Mrs. Elrod Pomfurter of Oklahoma City, who, after months of deliberation, had just invested in a bumper sticker.
Obama, who supported same-sex marriage when he ran for the Illinois Senate in 1996 but opposed it when he ran for the US Senate in 2004, clarifies his evolving position, which is that he once again fully supports same-sex marriage, for now. Romney reaffirms his longstanding position on the issue, which is that he is in favor of sex during marriage but only at night.
Voters in the French presidential election, rejecting the austerity program of incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy, choose, as their new leader, Charlie Sheen.
In New York, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of the city’s other concerns — disaster preparation, for example — turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these beverages have roamed the city in vicious packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese.
Another major health-related story breaks in . . .
. . . when the US Supreme Court, handing down its much anticipated ruling on “Obamacare,” decides by a 5-4 vote that the Affordable Care Act is constitutional. Moments later, the justices discover that, because of a clerical error, the document they have spent the past three months reviewing is actually the transmission-repair manual for a 1997 Hyundai Sonata. By a 9-0 vote, they decide to say nothing more about this.
Abroad, England celebrates the reign of Queen Elizabeth II with a massive Diamond Jubilee blowout bash lasting several days, at the end of which members of the royal family are found wandering around naked as far away as Croatia.
In sports, Roger Goodell announces that the NFL is investigating disturbing allegations that some members of the Saints do not sing during the national anthem.
Speaking of disturbing, in . . .
. . . the Mexican presidential election — won by Enrique Pena Nieto of the wonderfully named Institutional Revolutionary Party — is tainted by allegations of voting fraud after independent observers note that the “optical scanners” used to count ballots are, in fact, Sunbeam toasters.
In science news, physicists announce that, after decades of research costing billions of dollars, they believe they have confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which, according to them, is an extremely exciting tiny invisible thing next to which all the other bosons pale by comparison. This is breathlessly reported as major news by journalists whose knowledge of science is derived exclusively from making baking-soda volcanoes in third grade.
In London, the Olympics get underway with a spectacular opening ceremony. The only glitch occurs when a streaker runs onto the track and passes out. He is identified by police as Prince Philip, still in Diamond Jubilee mode.
The partying continues in . . .
. . . when Hurricane Isaac fails to dampen the mood at the Republican National Convention. The Republicans — eager to disprove the stereotype that they are the party of old, out-of-touch, rich white men — give their highest-visibility prime-time TV spot to: Clint Eastwood. Eastwood delivers a series of fascinating sentence fragments to a chair that he either does or does not realize has nobody sitting on it.
Tensions continue to rise in the Middle East when Iran unveils a surface-to-surface ballistic missile named Conqueror, which, according to an Iranian spokesman, will be used for “agriculture.” Elsewhere in the troubled region, an unmanned Predator drone hacks Waziristan’s Twitter account and posts pictures of itself naked.Continued...