Soundtrack: An Entirely Sarcastic Blog Post for You, Jim Joyce (Updated)

Dear Jim Joyce,

Congratulations! Your lifelong dream to become the second famous James Joyce has been realized today. At least the first one was good at endings.

It's cool, Jimmy. I really wanted a baseball umpire to force me to question my entire belief set as a human. I mean, who makes a safe call on a bang-bang play at first with two outs left in a perfect game unless:

A) Said person wants to be famous, or
B) Said person is inherently evil and lives to do damage to all of mankind, not unlike Darth Vader, The Joker and/or Subway’s Spicy Italian $5 Footlong.

There have been days where I, too, wanted to frazzle households full of people throughout the country thinking they were watching history. I, however, didn’t have the handy cajones to do it in the most evil, irresponsible way possible.

Let’s look at this photo above. If you call this runner out -- which he is, by a full step, even without the replay -- Armando Galarraga pitches a perfect game. But facts are silly, right?

What is your mindset here, partner? “If there’s a bang-bang play, we’re going to uphold a convention (tie goes to the runner) that 3-year-olds use as a measuring stick when playing Red Rover -- regardless of whether it's a tie or not.” That’s what it seemed like, partner.

Wait, can I call you partner? I can’t?

Too bad. I’m taking one from the Jim Joyce playbook this time, pal. You taught me well. Can’t always get what is explicitly yours, right, partner?

It was also a good time to get hyper-hubristic on Miguel Cabrera there at the end. He’s trying to stand up for his devastated pitcher by asking you how you made that call, and you took the opportunity to get very indignant. If he had clocked you, America would’ve paid the fine.

That’s what makes you you, though, Jim Joyce. That’s why I’m living by the quintessential Jim Joyce proverb from now on: “I’m Jim Joyce, I’m here now, and I don’t care how your night was going before this!”

Except I’ll be saying “Ben Collins” instead of "Jim Joyce." You know, I’m not crazy or anything.

Maybe I’m projecting a little. But at least that’s what I can derive from this call here.

Also, it looks like you’ve got some mustard right there. No. Right there. Oh, wait, that’s your mustache?

Nice mustache, man.

Today's Soundtrack: Filter - Hey Man, Nice Shot

UPDATES: LIVEBLOGGING MY LEVEL OF REGRET

UPDATE 10:07: Quotes are pouring in from Twitter. I've never seen Twitter explode like this in my life. We're at Code Red. It's like Adam Lambert and Justin Bieber got in a hovercraft crash.

And we're starting to get some quotes from Jim Joyce. From Dave Hogg, a freelance writer in Detroit:

"Jim Joyce was utterly distraught when we talked to him. 'Biggest call of my career, and I kicked the s**t out of it.'

Man, that's tough. Probably shouldn't have, you know, blown an obvious call, though. I'm glad he's taking some responsibility, anyway.

CURRENT LEVEL OF REGRET FOR PREVIOUS POST: 6%

UPDATE 10:12: From Hogg: "Joyce said he didn't know if he would try to talk to Galarraga. 'I don't know what to do. I just cost that kid a perfect game.'"

CURRENT LEVEL OF REGRET: 33%, and a deep, burning stinging sensation in my heart and soul region.

UPDATE 10:17: ESPN cut in to a 1-0 game to interview Galarraga.

"I give a lot of credit to that guy because he said, 'I need to talk to you and I need to say I'm sorry.'"

He said he then gave Joyce a hug. This man deserved a no-hitter.

CURRENT LEVEL OF REGRET: 1%.

UPDATE 10:21: Here's a fresh batch from Hogg. Anybody have a moist towelette and, maybe, a lighter to set my hair on fire?

Joyce: "That wasn't a call. That was a history call. And I missed it from here to this wall."

Joyce: "I don't blame the Tigers for anything that was said. I don't blame one person a bit."

Joyce: "If I were Galarraga, I would have been the first one in my face, and he didn't say a word to me."

CURRENT LEVEL OF REGRET: 76277277%. Don't tell anyone, Jim, but I always liked your mustache.

UPDATE 12:00: Good God. Here's audio.

Can I send flowers? Where do I send flowers?