Soundtrack: OMG, Mr. President

It was revealed today that President Obama will appear on The View on Thursday. The show has already been taped, and Today’s Soundtrack (calling on our inner Art Buchwald) has, ahem, "exclusive access'' to the transcript.

The View Co-Host 1: (Loud droning noise resembling the phrase, “Hi. Welcome. Have a seat, Mr. President.”)

President Obama: Thank you. I’m happy to be here. I haven’t had a chance to watch your show, but I hear it is very popular.

Whoopi Goldberg: MEL GIBSON IS A G-DDAMN SAINT.

President Obama: Ha-ha, Whoopi. I don’t think I can comment on that.

Whoopi Goldberg: MEL GIBSON IS A G-DDAMN SAINT.

The View Co-Host 4: (Loud droning noise followed by sounds of host digging under desk. Host reveals moisturizer.)

President Obama: No thanks. I’m, uh -- I’m all set.

The View Co-Host 4: (The View co-host applies moisturizer to any of the President’s visibly exposed hands and body parts.)

President Obama: Um, thank you.

The View Co-Host 4: (Loud droning noise followed by sounds of host digging under desk. Host reveals pet expert with a cockatoo on his shoulder and two crates filled with dangerous animals.)

President Obama: Woah, woah. Is that an anaconda and an adult bobcat?

Pet Expert: Yes. The bobcat hasn’t been vaccinated and the scorpion still has its stinger.

Requisite Republican Co-Host Pretending to Ask Serious Question About the Issues: Sir, I’ve been playing along, half-laughing at your jokes here. But, seriously, I am troubled by your presence. I’m wearing my serious mascara, Mr. President. I must ask what every single person who made origami swans instead of paying attention in political science class is thinking: Why didn’t you go a mile under the ocean and seal the oil pipeline with your mouth?

President Obama: Are you serious?

Requisite Republican Co-Host Pretending to Ask Serious Question About the Issues: Of course.

President Obama: Have you been near a human mouth before?

Barbara Walters: Let’s cut to a clip of Charlie St. Cloud featuring Zac Efron.

President Obama: Why?

(Cuts to two-minute clip from Charlie St. Cloud, in which the female protagonist tearily screams, “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, CHARLIE ST. CLOUD?”)

Audience: (Wild applause.)

(Fades to home invasion commercial.)

Today’s Soundtrack: Ida Maria - Oh My God

Hey, look, an awesome song from a very talented woman who chose not to be completely objectified.