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Soundtrack: OMG, Mr. President

Posted by Ben Collins, Today's Soundtrack  July 27, 2010 06:05 PM

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It was revealed today that President Obama will appear on The View on Thursday. The show has already been taped, and Todayís Soundtrack (calling on our inner Art Buchwald) has, ahem, "exclusive access'' to the transcript.

The View Co-Host 1: (Loud droning noise resembling the phrase, ďHi. Welcome. Have a seat, Mr. President.Ē)

President Obama: Thank you. Iím happy to be here. I havenít had a chance to watch your show, but I hear it is very popular.

Whoopi Goldberg: MEL GIBSON IS A G-DDAMN SAINT.

President Obama: Ha-ha, Whoopi. I donít think I can comment on that.

Whoopi Goldberg: MEL GIBSON IS A G-DDAMN SAINT.

The View Co-Host 4: (Loud droning noise followed by sounds of host digging under desk. Host reveals moisturizer.)

President Obama: No thanks. Iím, uh -- Iím all set.

The View Co-Host 4: (The View co-host applies moisturizer to any of the Presidentís visibly exposed hands and body parts.)

President Obama: Um, thank you.

The View Co-Host 4: (Loud droning noise followed by sounds of host digging under desk. Host reveals pet expert with a cockatoo on his shoulder and two crates filled with dangerous animals.)

President Obama: Woah, woah. Is that an anaconda and an adult bobcat?

Pet Expert: Yes. The bobcat hasnít been vaccinated and the scorpion still has its stinger.

Requisite Republican Co-Host Pretending to Ask Serious Question About the Issues: Sir, Iíve been playing along, half-laughing at your jokes here. But, seriously, I am troubled by your presence. Iím wearing my serious mascara, Mr. President. I must ask what every single person who made origami swans instead of paying attention in political science class is thinking: Why didnít you go a mile under the ocean and seal the oil pipeline with your mouth?

President Obama: Are you serious?

Requisite Republican Co-Host Pretending to Ask Serious Question About the Issues: Of course.

President Obama: Have you been near a human mouth before?

Barbara Walters: Letís cut to a clip of Charlie St. Cloud featuring Zac Efron.

President Obama: Why?

(Cuts to two-minute clip from Charlie St. Cloud, in which the female protagonist tearily screams, ďWHY DONíT YOU LOVE ME, CHARLIE ST. CLOUD?Ē)

Audience: (Wild applause.)

(Fades to home invasion commercial.)

Todayís Soundtrack: Ida Maria - Oh My God

Hey, look, an awesome song from a very talented woman who chose not to be completely objectified.

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About the author

Ben Collins can't help but search beyond Feist for the zeitgeist of Today's Soundtrack, his pick of a song or songs capturing the mood or events of the moment. His musical tastes vary from Strawberry Fields to The Magnetic Fields, from Low to Skee-Lo. A North Shore native, Ben has worked at The Boston Globe and Spin and is an Emerson grad. Make your own nominations to him at ben.t.collins@comcast.net or on Twitter @globesoundtrack. More »

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