Which would you prefer???????

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Which would you prefer???????

    ....to be "wanted" or to be "needed" in a relationship?

    Undecided
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Is this a trick question?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Definitely to be "wanted" - Pingo
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Definitely wanted.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Not a trick question................................

    I'll post more as to why I posted this question later.........
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Both.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Ok, to be wanted or needed. First, there is no right or wrong answer (IMHO) it’s nothing more than a personal preference.  That being said I “think” the answer has a lot to do with age and life experience that affects the choice – wanted -  vs. - needed.  The older you are the more inclined one is to choose wanted, the younger would choose needed – (IMHO).   Me personally, I want to be wanted.  I really don’t have a need for another in terms of my daily routine in life.  As a parent I know children “need” parents but, as they get older they need the parents less and less (or so they think LOL).  I feel a lot better about myself knowing I’m wanted, I find it very gratifying. 

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Great points dog-lady! and I agree personality would play a role as would our life experience and the role models our parents created for us!

    People that marry people in prison - to me - that's a totally separate breed of cat, the anomaly if you will....


    Again, there is no right or wrong answer here...just a personal opinion

    Wink
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from princess-cal. Show princess-cal's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    While it feels good to be needed, if I had to chose one it would definitely be wanted!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    You know dog-lady you pointed out one of, if not, the greatest flaw's in me (I HAVE MANY!) and my dating/relationship choices of the past - the rescuer!  It's one of those character traits I hate most about myself and will work on changing!  I guess  that's why I prefer to be "wanted" versus needed.....

    I guess I should have made my question open ended too....needed versus wanted? and why?????

    Undecided
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    It depends on how strictly you define "needed."  Obviously, I'm not needed in our marraige.  DH lived a perfectly capable life on earth as an adult for over 20 years before we met.  He had a career, built his home, and lived there automously and successfully.  

    Morely loosely defined, however, I'm needed.  For instance, on his own, he was gaining weight at a rate of about 3 lbs a year and asked for my help to lose about 30 lbs - he "needed" help.  And, he got it.  He's lost 10 lbs a year since we got married so he's about at his goal.  Maybe would like to lose 10 more lbs.

    Another example, before he met me he didn't realize his inflammation problem was diet related.  He ate food daily that caused him a lot of pain without realizing it.  Now that I do all the cooking and with the nutrition knowledge I've brought to the table, so to speak, he's much healthier and lives in FAR less pain.  Needed?  No.  He survived OK in more pain.  Wanted?  Yes.  I spend a LOT of effort to provide him a diet free of white flour and sugar without sacrificing taste, texture, and enjoyment of food.

    So, strictly speaking I'm 100% wanted, not needed, given his ability to survive without me.  But, more loosely, I'm both needed and wanted.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Kar,
    I don't think you can say you are "needed" - even loosely. DH could have lost weight and could have helped himself to feel better on his own w/o you, if he had put his mind to it and made the right choices. You just made it easier for him. Reading your posts in general, I feel you are definitely 100% "wanted". - Pingo
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    He could have but he didn't and wouldn't have.  He'd be 40 lbs overweight by now and living in a heap more pain without me.  What's wrong with being both?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    doglady, you deleted your first post that said "a little bit of both."  Interesting.

    ETA:  It's hard to have a conversation with a group of people when one person in the group goes back and deletes stuff they said.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    I happen to agree that there should be a balance of both.  "Need" often become synonomous with "needy," as in co-dependant, and I'm sure that's not what either of us means by a healthy balance of both.

    (Removing pieces of any conversation is obtuse.)  
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    She does it all the time in every conversation she enters into - deletes, adds, so that anyone coming in and reading latter posts, has no idea what they are responding to.  
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Ok Kar, can I play devils advocate with you?

    Did your husband "need" you to lose the weight, etc. or was he just looking for a "mother" figure in his life?? This is not a "slite" it's an honest respectful question (I hope you read it that way...please)

    Does wanted versus needed vary by gender? Are men more needy than women? vice versa?

    I ask because some of the posts are quite strict - "definitely wanted", that's a strong statement - IMHO. 

    What makes you feel better - "Honey, could you pick up the dry cleaning, groceries" etc.? or an unsolicited kiss on the cheek with a "thank you" for making dinner?

    Again there is no right or wrong answer! I just find the topic interesting...

    Kar, there is nothing wrong with saying both.....I think that people 50 and younger would say "needed" and 50 plus would say "wanted". Is that a stretch? Am I wrong? Did your parents and your upbringing come into your decision of needed vs wanted?  When you where a 20 something did you want to be needed, wanted or both?

    When a person places a personal ad on Match.com and says they are "independent" does that mean they are looking for a mate that wants them or needs them?????
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    If you go by perfume research, that men love the perfume scent of vanilla on their wives because it reminds them of mom's kitchen, if my husband were looking for someone who reminded him a bit of mom he wouldn't be alone.  Women, too, seek men who remind them of their fathers, generally speaking.  Not in an icky (aka sexual) way for either gender imo, although, Freud would have disagreed with me...ew.  Anyways...

    And, yes, I believe he needed me to lose weight and reduce his pain or he would have done so by himself.  He was 44 for pete's sake - when was he going to do it if he, in fact, could?  His understanding of nutrition was abysmally mythically based and getting him further into trouble year by year.  And, losing weight and "getting healthy" was the first thing he asked me for help with.  Men don't usually ask for help with things they don't need help doing.  Women, either, for that matter.

    As for my parents, my mom and I were alone; my parents divorced when I was 4.

    I'm 40.  I'm in the "balance of both" crowd.  Not sure how that fits into your theory of age or if you think I'm old or young.  

    ETA:  I think people often mistake needing one another in some capacity (i.e., filling in a unique set of life "gaps") with being "needy"/codependant.  Fitting together like puzzle pieces is good, and it requires gaps and pieces cut to fit them.  Codependance, however, is a killer of a problem.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]You know dog-lady you pointed out one of, if not, the greatest flaw's in me (I HAVE MANY!) and my dating/relationship choices of the past - the rescuer!  It's one of those character traits I hate most about myself and will work on changing!  I guess  that's why I prefer to be "wanted" versus needed..... I guess I should have made my question open ended too....needed versus wanted? and why?????
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    That's funny...I have always tried to "Fix " people...but over the years realize that doesn't work for me..even though it seems to work very well for the other person. Having been in relationships where I am needed more than wanted, I would prefer the latter..understanding there are times in our lives when we all "need" someone. When someone needs be because they are going through something ..that is different than someone needing me to define their own happiness.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Again, it's all how you define "need."  Filling in each other's gaps in life experience and knowledge sets, and we all have them, is not the same as either party being needy or codependent.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Again, it's all how you define "need."  Filling in each other's gaps in life experience and knowledge sets, and we all have them, is not the same (imo) as either party being "needy," codependent, or part of the "wounded bird" (someone wanting to be "fixed" and someone wanting to do the fixing) relationship.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    It is possible to be needed but not wanted (eg financially, or as an enabler to an addict etc). Needed does not imply love. 
    Definitely, wanted is better. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Re: Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]Again, it's all how you define "need."  Filling in each other's gaps in life experience and knowledge sets, and we all have them, is not the same as either party being needy or codependent.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    Hi Kar..okay good points. Your definition of need makes sense and is healthy. Kind of like the "you complete me" idea. I would say that describes my SO and I pretty well. We balance each other's strengths and weaknesses pretty well. To me, it's when the "need" becomes " I can't live without you" or when a guy expects a "mommy".  I have been in relationships where that has happened and it is smothering to say the least and stressful as well.
    Probably a balance of both is best ( although it's always nice to feel wanted).
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    Yes, that's exactly what I mean, miscricket.  If we define "need" as "must have to live and breath," we're in gigantic trouble. 

    But, people who love each other DO fill in the gaps that we'd get technically along without having filled were we to be alone (and DID get along with before we met our spouse).  Back to the nutrition thing.  Is it a need to be a healthy weight and have less pain?  Apparently not because DH was living without those things.  But, he sure is happier lighter and with less pain, and I actually do think it's a sign of love that I am pleased to do what I can for him in that way.  And, he does provide a nice life financially for me, too.  I didn't NEED it; I was living on my own just fine before him.  But, he loves me and provides for more than just my basic needs of food, shelter, and clothes.

    I've learned a lot from DH and he from me.  Were they "needs?"  Only if you consider being happier and healthier a need.  And, that is endlessly debatable.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from yogafriend. Show yogafriend's posts

    Re: Which would you prefer???????

    In Response to Which would you prefer???????:
    [QUOTE]....to be "wanted" or to be "needed" in a relationship?
    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]

    Roger,

    I wanna be adored.  :D



     

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