Do I stay or go

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Stacy62. Show Stacy62's posts

    Do I stay or go

    I have been married for 21 years. My husband back in 2009 had 2 affairs (two different women). I know that he is still talking to both of these women as he makes comments about what they are doing and it seems pretty current information. I have not been able to gain the trust and love back that I once had. We have two children ages 17 and 7. The 17 year old is planning on joining the navy when he graduates next June (against my husband’s wishes).  My Husband constantly calls me fat, slut, dumbass, feels me up when the 7 year old is close by (don’t think he sees it though) pinches and smacks my ass till I tell him to stop cause it hurts. When I say that it hurts he says “Oh I haven’t even begun to hurt you”.  He flirts with friends and neighbors to the point of we (women) feel uncomfortable. When we tell him to stop he says something like “oh you cant take a joke”.  When we have sex (which he insist on every night) he will get really annoying by calling me a different name (normally my sister or neighbor) and then he expects me to call him by a different name. He now accuses me (at least once a week) of having an affair with some one or accusing me of breaking of marriages of neighbors. I honestly will say I have never had an affair with anyone.  If I refuse sex with him he gets very mad and almost pushes me out of bed and takes all the blankets. He also has a tracker on the computer and cell phone. I can not go any where with out him checking on me via the tracking device. If I am gone to long and he has nothing to do I then get the text messages that say “I am so bored, when are you coming home?” if I say it won’t be for a few more hours I then get “well maybe I will find a more willing women to keep me company who loves me”. He also threatens to divorce me and leave me with nothing. When he threatens I use to kiss his but. But I am now at the point I tell him to go ahead and leave me or if he threatens to visit the neighbors I say well when you do that you minds well live there also cause if you cheat on me again we are done.  I am at the end of my rope. We have tried counseling both individual and marriage and it hasn’t worked cause he has quite going after a few sessions.

     

    So NOW WHAT?

    Thank you

     

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    deleted/error

     
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  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from suigneriss. Show suigneriss's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    Stacy62,

     

    It sounds like this marriage is over. It's bordering on abusive and he's outright disrespectful. I wanted to ask if his behavior changed in 2009, after the affairs, or if you've been putting up with this for the past 21 years...but it really doesn't matter. If you can, LEAVE.

     

    You've pointed out 3 things that suggest you are done with this marriage 1) you've lost trust, 2) you've lost the love, and 3) you're at the end of your rope. However, by the tone of your letter I'm not convinced that you really are strong enough to leave, much less take back your pride.

     

    BTW, the butt smacking/pinching, wanting sex every night, & role-playing (within limits) is normal...everything else you mentioned should not be tolerated.

     
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  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from FinnFann. Show FinnFann's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    This man is so textbook abusive it makes me wonder if this can be real.  Taking you at your word, that this is all factual, the time has come to end this nightmare.  Get yourself a really good divorce attorney and file immediately.  This man is cruel, manipulative and vindictive; don't second guess yourself or hesitate to act. 

     

    And here's the really victory- your sons will be better off in the long run.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from McDimmerson. Show McDimmerson's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    This is a joke, right?

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from enigma98851. Show enigma98851's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    You should go. There is Project Dove, run by Women's Bar Association in MA, that provides pro bono legal help to victims of domestic abuse.

     

    Good luck.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from shrtc8ke. Show shrtc8ke's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    I agree with other posters who say to get yourself to a divorce attorney.  You may be able to find one who will work pro bono, for a reduced rate or you may be able to set up a payment plan for legal bills. 

    There doesn't really seem to be any reason to stay.  I'm surprised you've stayed this long.  Consulting an attorney may also help give you the strength you need to leave. 

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Stacy62. Show Stacy62's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    NO this is not a joke. He has steadily gotten worse since his affairs. To be honest I think he is in another one with a neighbor now (her husband is deployed).

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    You know why he acts this way? Because he can. It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and take control of your life. There is absolutely no reason you should allow any one to treat you this way. And you're subjecting your children to witnessing their father abuse their mother. The pinching and slapping is NOT normal if it hurts you and you've told him to stop. Pushing you out of the bed when you won't have sex with him is NOT normal. Seriously....stop making excuses, stop waiting for strangers to tell you what to do and take care of yourself and children!

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    If you can't wrap your mind around the obvious fact that leaving is your only choice, no one can say anything to make you see it.  If this is for real, get real help sorting it out with a therapist.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Ice-Cream. Show Ice-Cream's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

     

     

    Stacy62, leave your husband.

     

     

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Montyy. Show Montyy's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

     

    Wow. We have really different definitions of normal...........

     

     

    In response to suigneriss' comment:
    [QUOTE]

    Stacy62,

     

    It sounds like this marriage is over. It's bordering on abusive and he's outright disrespectful. I wanted to ask if his behavior changed in 2009, after the affairs, or if you've been putting up with this for the past 21 years...but it really doesn't matter. If you can, LEAVE.

     

    You've pointed out 3 things that suggest you are done with this marriage 1) you've lost trust, 2) you've lost the love, and 3) you're at the end of your rope. However, by the tone of your letter I'm not convinced that you really are strong enough to leave, much less take back your pride.

     

    BTW, the butt smacking/pinching, wanting sex every night, & role-playing (within limits) is normal...everything else you mentioned should not be tolerated.

    [/QUOTE]


     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from there-and-backagain. Show there-and-backagain's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    In response to BzznAlong's comment:
    [QUOTE]

    What now?

     

    Seriously, what in hell are you waiting for. If you are not out by Christmas then I have to conclude that you are one of the women who enjoys being abused.

     

    [/QUOTE]

    I don't think any woman enjoys it, but some do just accept it, not knowing life can be so much better.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Roaddogg1959. Show Roaddogg1959's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    In response to Stacy62's comment:
    [QUOTE]

    NO this is not a joke. He has steadily gotten worse since his affairs. To be honest I think he is in another one with a neighbor now (her husband is deployed).

    [/QUOTE]

     
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  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    Stacy,

    Make it look like an accident. Watching CSI will give you some tips. Don't search anything online, the police will track your searches after-the-fact. Kidding. 

    Otherwise, open a new bank account and get as much in there as possible (if you had a joint account that is). Keep a journal of what is going on - you will need this in the divorce courts. 

    I would say leave, but it is better if you kicked him out. I doubt you are strong enough for that and hubby sounds like an actual psycho (he doesn't own a gun does he? You might need police involvement). 

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Roaddogg1959. Show Roaddogg1959's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    In response to KayRox's comment:
    [QUOTE]

    In response to Roaddogg1959's comment:
    [QUOTE]

     

    When you feel your marriage is over - work to end it BEFORE reaching out to another so that your happiness card is fulfilled.  

    Being unhappy during marriage happens to everyone.....how you handle it is a measurement of your integrity.  Deal with your issues and allow for the other person in the marriage partnership to reach out and chat with the freedom that separation and divorce can bring.   To do anything other than that is completely selfish and cruel.  Even if your wife suspects you are emotionally cheating (talking to another woman with the words that your wife would be hurt by is cheating) it doesn't mean she has accepted it.  

    I cringe at what your wife will be dealing with as you go off on your merry way with a relationship you've been building up while married.  It is a disgrace.  You could have separated or divorced first but it sounds like you didn't opt to do the right thing and became even more resentful in your marriage as you cajoled thoughts of being with someone else. 

    I agree with the sentiment about living your life as best you can so more power to you in getting your life together.  I hope you have the integrity to make right by your wife and recognize that there is a lot of hurt there caused by your affair.  That was a choice you made for yourself while letting your marriage rot away like it had zero value for anyone. 

    Just wishing you had taken a more respectful road to leaving your marriage.

    _________________________________

    To the letter writer:  Please secure yourself with supportive friends and family while you show your husband the door (the sooner, the better).  This is one intolerable marriage, not just for you but for your children.  How do you expect that your children will treat women?  Do your future daughter-in-law a favor and demand respect from your husband.  The next time he lays a hand on you call the police.   Then, explain to your children that their daddy has been an abusive husband and it is not acceptable. 

    Your self-esteem must be at an all-time low - leaving your marriage will be the first baby step to rebuilding.  You must set a positive role model for women in your children's lives.  Your husband doesn't deserve a family - he deserves to live in a zoo with other animals.  I am hopeful that his physical abuse does not extend to the children and if it does then shame on you. 

    The time is NOW to clean up your household - to wait any longer is to enable his abusive personality and that makes you responsible.

    [/QUOTE]


     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from GoneToTheDogs39. Show GoneToTheDogs39's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    old post/deleted 



     

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Roaddogg1959. Show Roaddogg1959's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    In response to Roaddogg1959's comment:
    [QUOTE]

    In response to Stacy62's comment:
    [QUOTE]

    NO this is not a joke. He has steadily gotten worse since his affairs. To be honest I think he is in another one with a neighbor now (her husband is deployed).

    [/QUOT

    [/QUOTE]


     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Roaddogg1959. Show Roaddogg1959's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    thanks to a friend I found this, this is my husband writing you giving you advice on marriage??? He has no clue what hes talking about This is his wife and take it from me if your husband is cheating then get out now!!!! My husband is no man hes a coward. If a man can go behind his wife and do this hes no good.  If hes met the perfect woman online then fine go be with her, He says hes done everything by himself for 27 yrs hes wrong. Ive stuck by him through thick and thin Ive emptied out my bank account just to give him money for gas for work this money was suppose to be used for xmas for my kids and grandson but he had no problems taking it from me and taking away xmas for my family. If she is such a perfect person then why has it taken you so long to be with her? I will find a man to treat me with the respect I deserve a a father figure my kids never had!!! A man that can show my sons how to treat a woman your suppose to love and say that to her everyday apperantly Im good enought to sleep with and to be intatmate with but no more Ill save myself self respect and wait for a man to show me what its like to have a man in my life not a coward like you. He even went as far as to tell me that his sister called and wanted to meet up with him for a overnight stay cause she had something to talk to him about he told me he thought she was very sick and possibly dieing and that she didnt want me to come to visit with her. What kind of man does that??? To use his sister like that hes a coward, i hope she does to you what you have done to me theres nothing like having your heart ripped out and handed to you i hope you feel that pain of your whole world come crashing down on you like I have, your useless dont worry ill be fine cant get much worse than i am right now finding out your husband it cheating yet again have a good life you deserve each other

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from TFB12. Show TFB12's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    Any up date on Stacy62? 

    If you are still wondering what to do then I have four words for her.... GET THE HELL OUT!  Why would you stay through all of  that and why didn't you leave in 2009?  Do yourself a favor and find someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  Start now putting some money away, go see an attorney since you have children involved and get ready to get away.  Wow, this blows my mind that someone would stick around with someone like him.

    Hope you have found or will find some love for yourself and not put up with this.  Set an example for your kids and let them know you aren't going to take this and that his behavior is unacceptable. 

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I stay or go

    People have trouble leaving destructive relationships for many complex reasons, but I don't think anyone in a situation like this for this long doesn't know that the healthiest thing to do is leave even if that outcome isn't easy or seem possible.  It would have been far more plausible if she'd said, "I know I need to get out, but how?  There are so many scary obstacles to overcome, and what if I can't hack being alone?"  I can't take any post seriously that goes into all this horror and then ends with asking if she should stay.

     

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