recovering from affair/abandonment

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Throw pillows, of course!  I could have saved myself a lot of $$ in therapy...  LOL

    I crocheted an afghan for a dear friend who went far and above the call of duty of a friend when I was going through a divorce and suffering from major depression.  It was the only thing I did for the three weeks it took me to finish it that made me happy.  

    I don't enjoy home improvement or scrapbooking, either, but how can any fun, healthy distraction be bad?  Anything constructive that puts a smile on your face in dark times is a blessing.  No question.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Thanks everyone.

    For the record, I noticed his "depression" and tried everything to help him, trust me, I did everything, even his own mother told me she didn't think in my position she would have tried so hard.   I have peace knowing I tried everything to help him.  Right now, I need to take care of myself and my children, and strangely, in many ways that is easier now that so much of my energy is not consumed by him.

    I have done some redecorating, actually, mostly for my older daughter's sake (she just turned 4.)  I didn't want rooms that were "his" to be scary to her, so I made his man-cave into a playroom with donations from my neighbor's old toys, and a couple new ones.   They love it.

    I'm getting a new look (haircut and highlights for the first time ever!) this weekend.   I agree I need a pick me up.   I'm actually a nice looking woman, thin-to-average build, though not very toned, I'm working out again to build up some muscle (although carrying around my children, installing air conditioners on my own, etc, have certainly increased my core strength!)   I feel bad spending money on myself to do this, as money is very tight right now, but I never, ever buy myself anything - I deserve this.

    At first I had a lot, lot, lot of sadness.   I lost 10 lbs.   Now I am not sad, I am filled with anger.   I know these things are normal.   It just sucks to go through it.   I barely go a minute without thinking of him.   I long for the day I don't think of him at all.   That will be a miracle.

    I'm seeing a therapist.   It helps but its not a cure all.  

    I'm trying hard to stop asking "why" because that can never be answered.   But it hurts.   Its not on my mind as much as it was at first.   Baby steps.

    I'm just in shock that a person can do this to someone they once loved.   I'll never understand.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Thanks for the update!  I know it scks, but trust me, you ARE on the right track, and you'll keep progressing despite how slow and torturous the process might feel and how "miraculous" it seems to even think about being happy and hardly giving this a thought.  That time IS coming...try to be patient with yourself as you work your way there.  You've already noted for yourself that you are moving through the normal emotional stages of recovery so have confidence that you will continue to do so.  Given the steps you're taking and the progress you've made so far (in a relatively short time, right?), I know you will arrive at happy again someday sooner than you think.  You'll suddenly be aware that you aren't mired in pain anymore...I promise.

    I can only speak to this because of my own divorce.  My ex tried for a YEAR to actually get ME to say I wanted a divorce instead of just saying so when he wanted one.  So, I spent that year trying to fix what couldn't be fixed (and what was getting progressively and purposefully worse) without knowing it...finally, I couldn't take it anymore and said with great fear, "I want a divorce."  He said, "Phew, finally!!!"

    I spent a year recovering, and "suddenly" was myself, again.  Now, I'm very happily remarried, that old life far in the distance, hardly a thought.  I thought that would be a miracle when I was going through hell, too, but here I am. 

    Keep doing what you're doing and soon you'll be surprised at how far you've come from a place you thought you'd be stuck forever.  

    P.S.  I can also relate to immediately having more time and energy after being free of trying to fix an unfixable situation when it was over.  I was sad, angry, etc., but I was also FREE from throwing every ounce of energy into a black hole, and that was something to celebrate.

    Journaling (short daily entries of a sentence or two) helped me prove to myself that I was making progress toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Daily progress is small and many times imperceptible, but a month's worth is significant and undeniable, and if you have a record of your feelings and experiences to look back at you can be very encouraged about the next month of change you can expect to see.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Also veggirl, realize that a big part of what you are going through is grief.  Grief at the loss of your husband and friend.  Grief of the loss of your marriage and also grief of the loss of the dream of what you thought life was going to look like.  It's important and helpful to know that all the emotions you feel are perfectly normal stages of grief.  You need to process it and push through.

    It sounds like you are doing the right things.  Concentrate on you and your children.  Don't be afraid to give yourself treats like the new haircut.  Making yourself happy makes you a happy Mom for your kids.

    Though my situation was different from yours, I know your pain.  It's awful.  Just know that with each passing day things will get better.  You will have a day when you don't think of him; at least not in anger.

    All the best!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Great to hear you are on your way to getting through this :)  You WILL get there!!  Please, get an attorney, you didn't mention if you had taken legal steps.  PLEASE do so for you and your girls sakes!  I fear you are doing things to better yourself to try to "win" him back.  I sure hope that is not the case, you will quite possibly make it so much worse for yourself if he doesn't reciprocate, or worse, comes back only to do this to you and your girls again.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Winter2011Bride. Show Winter2011Bride's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    veggirl, I've been in your situtation with a 3.5 year old.  If you need any insight let me know.  it does get better and I was just remarried in February.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Veggirl, it sounds like you are on the right track. Don't for one minute feel guilty about spending time or money on yourself, you deserve it.
    Best of luck to you and your girls.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    May I add that not only should you not feel guilty about spending time and money on special treats for you and the girls, you should feel GREAT about it!  Getting your hair and nails done isn't a frivolous thing to do, it's a sign that life does, in fact, go on, and shows your girls that you're still the same vital mom you've ever been who enjoys doing girly things like that with them.  Normalcy can't be overrated for you guys right now.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Kargiver, thanks for sharing your story (and so sorry you had to go through all of that!)  you give me hope.

    Winter2011bride, I'd love to hear your story.   Getting remarried with kids seems so impossible right now (hell, trusting anyone ever again seems impossible - I was a very trusting person and was completely taken advantage of)  :-(

    For those worried I'd ever take him back - never, ever, ever.   In the words of Adele (the only thing I can listen to right now)

    So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
    No, I won't rescue you, you to just desert me

    Yup.

    Feeling stronger tonight.  It comes in waves.   It was bad earlier this week.  I'm okay today.   On top of things and feeling connected to people who love and appreciate me.   Giving my kids as much fun and normalcy as I can give them, they deserve no less.   They deserve the best life I can give them, it is my life purpose to give it to them.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    There is reason for real hope, veggirl!  The waves of negative and positive times you are experiencing are completely normal, and you can expect that the sad/angry/depressed waves will slowly get overtaken by the waves of relief, freedom, and peace as you keep doing what you're doing to recover.  If you want proof, read your OP and then your latest.  See?  Doesn't journaling prove your progress?  And, it's only been a relatively short time.  You can extrapolate to see where you'll be in another couple of weeks, a month, six months...  

    Processing the grief, not denying or burying it, is already allowing you to feel "OK" here and there.  That energized peaceful sense of well being will overtake the yucky stuff in less time than you can believe or imagine right now.

    During this time, allow yourself to feel what you feel without punishing yourself - work through the pain and you'll keep moving ahead and will bring your girls with you.

    If you want to check in or anything, feel free to contact me at kargiverbdc at gmail.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Good for you, keep it up...you and your daughters deserve the best :)
     
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  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Hey, BW (Slim), so happy to read of your new life of joy.  Glad the journaling suggestion helped.

    Time spent doing all the healing and grief processing things you did (and veggirl is doing) is the time that heals. (Endless time spent mired in the past is a killer!)

    Best wishes, as always, my friend!

    ~kar
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from morning-glory. Show morning-glory's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    It might also help to find/join a support group - particularly one for people whose spouse left because of another person. There is no support quite like that of those who really understand what you are experiencing.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment:
    [QUOTE]It might also help to find/join a support group - particularly one for people whose spouse left because of another person. There is no support quite like that of those who really understand what you are experiencing.
    Posted by morning-glory[/QUOTE]

    This can be good advice, but be very careful you don't get stuck there.  It can help for awhile, but can turn into an emotional quicksand before you know it.  Misery loves company so be very mindful of knowing you'll leave the group when you're past where it can be helpful for you.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    Uhhh? "Has to pay child support"....what makes you think that?

    I dated a mother of two that had to pay her ex-husband child support, and HE was the custodial parent too!

    If you live in Massachusetts the "concept of law" is a very gray area...
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lukeseri58. Show lukeseri58's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    well, yes, that can happen -- but its unusual or maybe for your benefit i will say not as likely as the man paying child support -- in any event, legal help is a must
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: recovering from affair/abandonment

    In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone. For the record, I noticed his "depression" and tried everything to help him, trust me, I did everything, even his own mother told me she didn't think in my position she would have tried so hard.   I have peace knowing I tried everything to help him.  Right now, I need to take care of myself and my children, and strangely, in many ways that is easier now that so much of my energy is not consumed by him. I have done some redecorating, actually, mostly for my older daughter's sake (she just turned 4.)  I didn't want rooms that were "his" to be scary to her, so I made his man-cave into a playroom with donations from my neighbor's old toys, and a couple new ones.   They love it. I'm getting a new look (haircut and highlights for the first time ever!) this weekend.   I agree I need a pick me up.   I'm actually a nice looking woman, thin-to-average build, though not very toned, I'm working out again to build up some muscle (although carrying around my children, installing air conditioners on my own, etc, have certainly increased my core strength!)   I feel bad spending money on myself to do this, as money is very tight right now, but I never, ever buy myself anything - I deserve this. At first I had a lot, lot, lot of sadness.   I lost 10 lbs.   Now I am not sad, I am filled with anger.   I know these things are normal.   It just sucks to go through it.   I barely go a minute without thinking of him.   I long for the day I don't think of him at all.   That will be a miracle. I'm seeing a therapist.   It helps but its not a cure all.   I'm trying hard to stop asking "why" because that can never be answered.   But it hurts.   Its not on my mind as much as it was at first.   Baby steps. I'm just in shock that a person can do this to someone they once loved.   I'll never understand.
    Posted by veggirl[/QUOTE]



    I am sorry. Its amazing how people can surprise us like this. Trust me I get it. The hurt, the disappointment, the anger, the sadness.
    But what you have to remember is you have two little ones that are looking to you, for guidence. You need to be the positive role model for them. You are down, but you are not out.

    You will never get answers. And you will have to let those questions go. Because really, you are probably not going to like nor understand the answers anyway.

    Hang in there!
     

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