Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    We are trying to figure this out now. How many bridesmaids and groomsmen did you have and how many total guests? Also, who did you ask? Friends, siblings, other relatives? What about friends that asked you to be BM? Should they always be included?

    We are not having a huge wedding so I just want to have my 2 sisters stand up with me. He has a brother and a sister so if he just asks his brother and a friend, his sister is the only sibling not included. I mentioned that maybe he could have his brother and sister on his side and not the friend, but he thinks it would be weird to have her be a "groomsman." I don't know his sister well and neither of us thinks she should be a BM. I also have 3 very close girlfriends that I was a BM in their weddings and don't want to offend them by not asking, but we really only want to have 2 people on each side.

    Sorry for the rambling, just looking for some outside opinions. Thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    It's okay if a sibling is not included, there are no rules about who you have to have. My brother wasn't in the wedding party. I found another role for him.

    I had 3 bridesmaids and one maid of honor. I only wanted 2 bridesmaids, but DH couldn't decide between two of his friends, so he needed 3. So, I just asked his sister since I found this out only a few months before the wedding, and she was already going to have to get there early because her daughter was the flower girl and MIL was already plannign on buying her a dress to wear to wedding anyways.

    To choose my bridesmaids I chose who I'd been friends with the longest and who I was closest with. My best friend was my MOH, we've been friends since we were 8 and best friends since we were 14. My other bridesmaid was a good friend of mine that I've known since I was 16 and who I'm very close to. And I asked my step sister because she was 15 and I knew she'd love the opportunity to dress up and be a bridesmaid. I tried to pick people I knew would be excited to go find a dress to wear.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    I had my 3 sisters and 1 very close friend.  DH has his 2 brothers and 3 of his friends.  We were uneven, but it didn't matter.  My niece, who was the flowergirl, is obsessed with one of DH's brothers, so she walked down the aisle with him during the processional holding his hand.  Was so cute.

    If you guys only want 2, then only have 2.  I wouldn't worry about asking people just because you were in their bridal party (and if you keep it just family, no one should be offended anyway).  Also, if your FI wanted his sister as a groomsmen, I don't see a problem with that.  Been to one wedding where groom had his sis and I thought it was a nice touch (and they were very creative matching the tux's and her dress).  If he wanted just his bro and a friend, would she be offended?  She could always be asked to do a reading or something like that?
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    I think that would be fine not to have her as your BM.  If he felt strongly about your having her in your wedding, then that would be a different story. 

    I'm having a cousin of my fiance as a BM.  I wouldn't have had her otherwise, if it wasn't important to him, but it was. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    We had about 85 guests at our wedding, and our wedding party consisted of a Best Man, MOH, junior bridesmaid, and flower girl.  DH chose his closest friend as the best man.  When it came to my MOH, there was only one option as far as I was concerned.  I chose my cousin's wife...we've known each other since they started dating 9 years ago, and she's been both a friend and like a sister to me since then. 

    DH has a sister, but I never even considered having her in my wedding party.  We get along great, but we're just not close like that.  However we did have her two daughters as the junior bridesmaid and flower girl, and she loved that.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Cicirose,
    It is not weird any more to have a female as a grooms (man) woman. My son had a very best friend throughout his growing up - and she was a female. He could not imagine not to include her in his bridal party, but she was not really a friend of the bride. So while his bride had her party, he had his and included this special friend. His groomsmen wore tuxedos and she wore a dress - exactly like the bridesmaids, but in black. She carried a bouquet just like the BMs. She looked just lovely, and no one came with any comments.
    As you will have your two sisters standing up for you, I think it would be lovely to have your FI's brother and sister stand up for him.
    Good luck with the planning.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from NorthernLghts. Show NorthernLghts's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    I had my sister as my BM/Matron of Honor and my DH choose two of his friends as his GM. and we had 125 people at our wedding. Choose who you want in your bridal party, they should be the most important people to you, besides the groom of course.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    The most important thing I have learned (even though I'm not even getting married anytime soon) is that don't choose people just to make them happy, choose people you truly want to be up there with you.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    I definitely agree with Peonie.

    I had a very hard time with this decision.  I have a very close group of 6 friends from high school, and have been a BM in almost all of their weddings.  I also have my "satellite" friends, and was in many of their weddings as well.  If I was going to reciprocate the offer of BM to all of them, I would have practially had more members of the bridal party than guests! 

    After lots of thought, I decided upon my closest friend in that high school group as my MOH (I was hers), 2 female cousins (I have no siblings) and my SIL (she is his only sibling).  I was not close to my SIL at the time, but thought it would be a nice gesture to invite her to be part of it.  I'm very glad I did because later on she told me how touched she was that I asked her, that she always imagined being in her only brother's wedding party.  However, I was very disappointed by one of my cousins (the oldest one, closest to my age).  She expressed absolutely no interest in or excitement over any of it - except that she seemingly tried to "take over" my shower, insisting on certain things and not listening to my MOH who knows me much better.  It was very strange. 

    My advice would be, have the people that you want around you and who will happily go through the planning and excitement with you.  It's truly a bummer to have a reluctant bridesmaid.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Peonie, I have to slightly disagree with you.  My fiance and I came together and he told me how much it would mean to his aunt and her daughter (his cousin) if we asked her to be a part of our wedding.  I would've liked to have given her another role like going around and making sure people sign the guest book, but my fiance told me that she's not that social and that it would mean a lot to her to be a bm.  I did it for him.  I know it sounds awful, but I wouldn't have asked her otherwise.  I don't know her all too well.  Just from seeing her at family holiday dinners twice per year for the last 6 years. 

    So, as it doesn't mean much to me to have her in my wedding, I know what it means to him, and that makes a world of difference.  His ear to ear smile and gracious "thank you" were enough for me.  I did it for him, and I wouldn't change it.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    See, I'm the opposite.

    I have 4 good friends from college, and 1 good friend from HS. I would only pick one from my group of college friends to make it fair, and I would have the one from HS. I would also have a girl that I have known since birth (she is my parent's friends daughter who is 3 years younger than me, but I grew up with her), my sis-in-law, and my BF's sister.

    I think that way, no ones feelings get hurt, AND those are the girls I would really want in my wedding.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Summer2010. Show Summer2010's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    My sister will be my MOH and FI's best friend will be his best man.  That is all we are doing for a wedding party. 

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Goodness, I meant as in friends. Family members are totally different. I don't think I would pick my boyfriend's sister if I had the choice, but I could never imagine doing something like to her, so I totally understand what you are saying.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Take FSIL's personality into account.  Mine would have been a bit offended if I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, and I think may have been double-offended to be a "groomsmaid".  Some people care more about this sort of thing than others. 

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    ask the people you know best and feel most comfortable with to stand up for you.  you don't need a billion attendants, nor are you obligated to ask anyone whose wedding you have been in.

    if you & FI are comfortable with only 2 people on each side, then that's the way it should be.. 

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    In Response to Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]Goodness, I meant as in friends. Family members are totally different. I don't think I would pick my boyfriend's sister if I had the choice, but I could never imagine doing something like to her, so I totally understand what you are saying.
    Posted by Peonie[/QUOTE]

    I know, and I didn't even want to say anything about "slightly disagreeing" with you.  I NEVER do Smile

    I think it was my way of validating it in my own head, Peonie.  Once he told me how much it would mean to her and him, I couldn't say "no".  I also have my FSIL in my wedding party, as well, but that's different.  She and I are close in age, and we're growing closer. 

    I did something sorta odd (in my opinion).  I ranked the BM's.  UGH... so awful, but I had to say it out loud (well, over post).  The cousin and FSIL are the last 2 down the line of my BM's.  EEK!  Awful?
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Thanks for the input. I guess I'm not too worried about my friends. They will understand.

    I don't know what FSIL would think. Their family is so different from mine that it's hard to read. I don't know if she would be hurt or relieved if she wasn't asked. I definitely don't see her being offended by being a "groomsmaid" though. He has no idea either and is reluctant to make any decision on the matter.

    It's a given that both of my sisters are in it. They may complain but secretly love it. And one of them is practically planning everything for me :)

    And BTW, I love the idea of the same dress in a different color

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    In Response to Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen : I know, and I didn't even want to say anything about "slightly disagreeing" with you.  I NEVER do  .  I think it was my way of validating it in my own head, Peonie.  Once he told me how much it would mean to her and him, I couldn't say "no".  I also have my FSIL in my wedding party, as well, but that's different.  She and I are close in age, and we're growing closer.  I did something sorta odd (in my opinion).  I ranked the BM's.  UGH... so awful, but I had to say it out loud (well, over post).  The cousin and FSIL are the last 2 down the line of my BM's.  EEK!  Awful?
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Ha, I was "ranked" in weddings before too. I think it's a common unspoken thing!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    I have been in two weddings, and I was probably ranked, but didn't realize it at the time.  My boo-boo was that I sorta said it to my fiance.  I told him that it wouldn't "make sense" to have them 2nd or 3rd, even.  EEK!  I hope he forgets I said that.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    DH has three brothers who were groomsmen (1 b/man, the other two g/men).  I had my closest friend who I met in college, my sister in law (married to one of the g/men, but we were friends before they got together) and a cousin of my DH.  I have one sister and one brother, neither were in the bridal party but both did readings at the ceremony.  There are two, maybe three other friends that I could have had, but DH only wanted his brothers and neither of us really wanted a ridiculously large bridal party.

    I have been to a wedding before where the groom had a 'best woman', a groomsman and a groomswoman (best woman was his sister, groomsman.woman were both close friends). Like another poster said, they wore the same dresses as the bridemaids, just in black, they didn't carry flowers etc.  They spent the day with the groom getting ready etc.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from HappyFrappy. Show HappyFrappy's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    My FI and I wanted a small wedding party as well, so I am having just my 2 brothers as my "Men of Honor" and my FI has 1 best man. We have about 85 guests.

    If your FI really wants to include his sister in the bridal party, I don’t see anything weird about having his sister as his groomswoman. I was a groomswoman for my brother’s wedding a couple years ago.

    I am very close with my SIL, and I would have asked her to be a BM, but because we wanted a small wedding party, we asked her to do a ceremony reading instead. Maybe this is something to consider for your FI’s sister?

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    [QUOTE]So, as it doesn't mean much to me to have her in my wedding, I know what it means to him, and that makes a world of difference.  His ear to ear smile and gracious "thank you" were enough for me.  I did it for him, and I wouldn't change it.
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Well Goodness I think it's very gracious of you to do this for your FI and his cousin!  Some brides would freak over something like this, but I think it's really nice that you're so cool about it.

    I'm just curious...if you two don't really know each other well, why would it mean so much for her to be in your wedding?  Is she younger, or maybe never been a BM before?  I just find this odd.  I don't even love being a BM for my family and closest friends!  Smile
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    In Response to Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen:
    [QUOTE]We are trying to figure this out now. How many bridesmaids and groomsmen did you have and how many total guests? Also, who did you ask? Friends, siblings, other relatives? What about friends that asked you to be BM? Should they always be included? We are not having a huge wedding so I just want to have my 2 sisters stand up with me. He has a brother and a sister so if he just asks his brother and a friend, his sister is the only sibling not included. I mentioned that maybe he could have his brother and sister on his side and not the friend, but he thinks it would be weird to have her be a "groomsman." I don't know his sister well and neither of us thinks she should be a BM. I also have 3 very close girlfriends that I was a BM in their weddings and don't want to offend them by not asking, but we really only want to have 2 people on each side. Sorry for the rambling, just looking for some outside opinions. Thanks!
    Posted by cicirose[/QUOTE]

    Please don't overthink this.  This is very personal and you need to go with what is in your heart and not let your brain think too much about this.  Its easy to overcompensate and not want to leave people out or think that you need to have certain people, but this is just not true.  There is no right or wrong here.  Some people want a cast of characters and others want no one.

    Easy part first--if you only want two people each, only have two people each.  Nothing wrong with that.

    Second easy part--you do not need to have your friends to reciprocate.  It does not mean you are any less friendly or love them any less.  I won't assuage any guilt you might feel by telling you your friends might be relived not to be included
    --some people actually like doing this--but to be honest, its probably not even going to register on their radar.  They'll be glad to get invited to your wedding to celebrate with you, perhaps honored if you asked them to be in your wedding, but if you don't ask them, its not going to matter one iota.

    Third part--future sister in law.  I think these things can be the trickiest because in many families there is an expectation that siblings will be (or won't be) part of the wedding party and there might be differences in how families approach this.  I would say these need to be decided on a case by case basis.  In your case, you and your husband are clearly in agreement that his sister does not need to be a bridesmaid and he does not want her as a groomsman (by the way, though this is always a good compromise, some people can't wrap their heads around it and that's ok).  I think the key here is that you two are in agreement and he seems to be taking the lead on saying its ok not to include her in the wedding party.  If you want to involve her somehow, have her do a reading or something, or even try to include her in some of the wedding related stuff ahead of time.  But handled correctly, this does not have to be disaterous.  Of course you don't know yet how they will respond--if there is a negative response, then you have a different decision to make.  This is why I would consider offering her a reading or something like that and making sure you include her in the rehearsal dinner and all the wedding festivities even if she is not in the wedding party.

    You'll be ok!  18 years later, of my wedding party, my matron of honor is still my best friend, I'm close with one of my bridesmaids (who is my younger cousin), but she lives all the way across the country, so i don't see her often (and i was not in her recent wedding), and I only exchange Christmas cards with my other bridesmaid and we haven't seen each other for 13 years.  But I still would not change who I had in my wedding.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Thanks everyone for all the advice. We have decided to keep the wedding party to 2 on each side and all our siblings.
    I saw 2 of my good friends this weekend and they are completely fine with it. They both have babies now to keep them occupied so it's probably a relief.
    The only thing is that he has not spoken to his brother or sister yet, so we'll see what they say... hopefully it'll be a positive response!!

    The wedding is a spring (May) lunch affair so we haven't decided what his sister should wear yet. A black dress doesn't really seem appropriate. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. That's a decision for another day.

    Thanks again for the help! Smile
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Choosing the Bridesmaids & Groomsmen

    Unless you are having a very formal wedding with hundreds of guests that calls for a large group of ushers, you don't need to compare number of attendants to guests.

    Your sisters and his brother and best friend is a wonderful group.  I'm a big believer in family in the wedding party.  I agree with him about having his sister on his side.  I think it looks forced. 

    You can either ask her to be a bridesmaid or ask her to do a reading or do not ask her at all.  There is no rule.  You might consider not having her in the wedding party, but making sure she had a coursage or bouquet or flower in the same way you do for the Mothers and Grandmothers. 

     

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