Tongue-tied

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Tongue-tied

    Anyone have a good response for when univited people tell you that they're 1.) excited to come to your wedding 2.) ask if they are invited 3.) ask if they can bring a date? I would normally have said that we are having a small wedding, but it's not small and these uninvited people are part of a peripheral group of friends...friendly enough to talk to when we're at a gathering together but not people I want to invite to my wedding. I want to be clear (you would think the lack of a STD or invitation would be clear) but also curteous because I will see them again and fairly often.  I usually end up stuttering something inaudible and quickly make my way to bathroom. Any suggestions?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Kinga, we had the same problem at our son's wedding, which was a 350 people wedding. There were place constraints due to the Fire Department.
    To 1) and 2) I would say, "We have very limited space due to the F. D. and can't invite everyone we would love to invite, but sometime later we will have a gathering for our friends."
    For 3) "Can I call you later? If we get some cancellations, there may be room for your date".
    I know it is difficult, but go and practice those sentences in front of a mirror, until you get comfortable saying them.
    Unfortunately one has to be callus sometimes. And do make sure you will have an extra table available, because you WILL have uninvited guests show up.
    - Pingo
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Miss Manners will tell you that an 'intimate wedding' is one to which the nosy person in your scenario are not invited.  Just thank them for their well wishes and tell them that you are having an intimate wedding.  HTH
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    i'd come out and tell them something similar to what Pingo told them.  "due to financial/space/fire department regulations, we had/have to limit the number of guests we are able to invite."   

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Thank you so much for your kind wishes!  We haven't finalized the guest list yet, but it will be quite intimate, and we might not be able to invite everyone we'd like to due to financial and venue restraints.  We know people will understand. :)
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Thank you, these are all great suggestions, and I do think I'll have to practice this in the mirror. I just never assumed I was invited to other people's weddings until some sort of invitation came in the mail (I never ever had the nerve to ask! I think it's so impolite to assume), so I think I'm a bit shocked every time someone asks me if they're invited (or if they're in the wedding...).

    Pingo, did you really have uninvited guests show up??? A few friends of mine had singles bring uninvited dates, but I've never heard of stories where there were uninvited guests.

    Oh the drama weddings bring! Guess that's why there's a million reality TV shows about them! 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Practicing is a great idea.  I usually do it in the car.  Thank goodness for bluetooth; people assume I'm on the phone. :)

    And, yes, it IS remarkably rude that people make such comments.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Kinga, you're going to see that weddings really do bring out the absolute worst in people.  right when you think you have "seen it all", you haven't.  you're going to see/experience things like you never have.  some of it may make your underwear crawl.    

    my husband & I were "late in lifers" to get married.  at that stage, we had been in and to enough weddings to know what we wanted, what we didn't want, what we liked, what we didn't like.  We both also have a tendency to be "up front" and don't care what people think.  We po'd more people than we care to imagine..some of whom still aren't speaking to us, 10 years later.  their loss.  

    be prepared for ANYTHING.


    edited to add:  don't be afraid to mention how bad the economy is and you and your fiance are being "budget conscious" and can't afford to invite everyone you like.  weddings are so expensive!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    lar, good to see you.  hope things are going better for you.

    ~kar
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Laryan, I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps the loss of relationships over the wedding hoopla prevented more traumatizing drama later on...

    I know I can't please everyone (the last wedding I planned 5 years ago proved me right, hence we put an end to that relationship just in time) and I know that along the way I will offend someone somewhere somehow. I just assumed it would be for something we did rather than being put in an awkward avoidable position of being asked these types of questions.

    While we're on the subject of being prepared for anything, what else has happened to all of you that shocked you during the planning/day of?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rirlo01. Show Rirlo01's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Some people's reactions to and/or persistence in ignoring/arguing with our decision not to invite children stands out in my mind as the most shocking part of our planning.  
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    In Response to Re: Tongue-tied:
    [QUOTE] While we're on the subject of being prepared for anything, what else has happened to all of you that shocked you during the planning/day of?
    Posted by kinga9[/QUOTE]


    Oh! Oh! I have one! So DH and I are decidedly nonreligious, but he has this very religious aunt who likes to say grace at every family gathering. There wasn't anything religious about our wedding, but we asked her if she'd like to say grace for everyone before dinner because a) we thought it'd make her more comfortable and b) she was probably going to do it anyway.  We asked her a few months before the wedding and she was really excited.

    Then three days before the wedding she called me and told me that after lots of soul-searching, she couldn't in good faith say grace at our wedding because we were godless heathens living in sin and we should accept Jesus into our hearts. Until then, it was out of her hands.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rirlo01. Show Rirlo01's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    WPP wins!!!  Tongue out

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    WPP, she definitely should have just politely declined when you first asked her, but I have to admire her convictions nonetheless.  Prayer might seem like a harmless, essentially meaningless religious ritual to anyone who doesn't believe in prayer, but to someone who does, saying grace is praising the Creator of the universe out loud in front of and with others at the table, not simply reciting pre-meal relgious words while people bow their heads to check the "grace" box off that day.  She thought she could do it because you asked and she wanted to please you (ironically), but when it came down to it she couldn't pretend that everyone would be praying with her when she said grace.  How she handled it, however, was absolutely terrible.

    I'm not defending her totally rude behavior regarding how she handled it just giving a little insight as to why she declined.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    On the reverse side of this, when FI and I first starting living together one of my friends asked me to be in her wedding. I of course said I would. When the invitation came it had both my name and FI's name on it. The bride called about three weeks before the wedding telling me that she disinviting FI because there wasn't enough room. I was little upset but hey it was her wedding and I knew it was costing about $125 a head so I said ok. Then another call a week later asking me if he was coming. I said "no, you disinvited him." Then a call the four days before the wedding telling me someone had cancelled and he could come. THEN and you guessed it, a call TWO days before the wedding saying he shouldn't come afterall because she had decided it would be too crowded (mind you she had already invited 250 people).  At that point I was so annoyed I called FI told him to get his butt to the reception (after dinner) just to dance with me because this girl had gone bridezilla and I'd spent $250 on the ugliest dress known to man and another $400 on her shower and $300 on her gift and he was coming to dance with me! lol. So yes, he crashed, but he didn't eat anything. And it wasn't even open bar. The point of the story - try figuring out what to say to crazy bride when you've been disinvited to the wedding - TWICE!!! lol.

    In terms of your original question, I like Pingo's response too.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    We have undoubtably disappointed both of our families by deciding not to get married in a church, so we can check that off the list of offensive things to do at your wedding.

    Now my next question is an extension of the first. As far "dates" are concerned, where do you draw the line? We're in our early 30's and the majority of our friends are married, but we have a fairly good amount that are single. I understand if they are dating the same person consistently, I feel they would be invited with a date. But for the others who are steadfastly single, what do I do? I feel that at this stage of the game, if I were single, I would want the option of bringing a date, but now being on this side of the fence, I think it's a waste of our money. Everyone is friends, so it's not like they would be sitting at the "kids" table alone, but I had more than one person look me straight in the eye and say "I would HOPE that I would be invited with a date" when there is no one in their life at this moment.

    What to do? What to do?
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    In Response to Re: Tongue-tied:
    [QUOTE]On the reverse side of this, when FI and I first starting living together one of my friends asked me to be in her wedding. I of course said I would. When the invitation came it had both my name and FI's name on it. The bride called about three weeks before the wedding telling me that she disinviting FI because there wasn't enough room. I was little upset but hey it was her wedding and I knew it was costing about $125 a head so I said ok. Then another call a week later asking me if he was coming. I said "no, you disinvited him." Then a call the four days before the wedding telling me someone had cancelled and he could come. THEN and you guessed it, a call TWO days before the wedding saying he shouldn't come afterall because she had decided it would be too crowded (mind you she had already invited 250 people).  At that point I was so annoyed I called FI told him to get his butt to the reception (after dinner) just to dance with me because this girl had gone bridezilla and I'd spent $250 on the ugliest dress known to man and another $400 on her shower and $300 on her gift and he was coming to dance with me! lol. So yes, he crashed, but he didn't eat anything. And it wasn't even open bar. The point of the story - try figuring out what to say to crazy bride when you've been disinvited to the wedding - TWICE!!! lol. In terms of your original question, I like Pingo's response too.
    Posted by venforknot[/QUOTE]
    Wow is all I have to say! I think you did the right thing!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shell7. Show Shell7's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Kinga I am not giving "plus ones" to all of our guests. Most of our friends are single and would probably end up bringing a random person we do not know. I I figure that there will be plenty of people for them to socialize with that they know so they will definitely not be lonely or feel left out. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    You can invite with or without guests.  True etiquette calls for naming guests, though, not the ever popular "and guest" IF you know an unmarried person is dating someone - use their names.  If you want to give someone the option of bringing someone and you have no idea who (or even if) they might choose you can say "and guest."  That is optional.  Single people not dating do not automatically get to bring someone.  Unmarried people in relationships DO; you need to invite signficant others and it should be by name.

    ETA:  If I were you, since it doesn't affect many on your list, I'd add "and guest" to your few totally single friends to give them the option of bringing someone even though you don't have to - sounds like you don't think they'd bring anyone, anyway.  Although, count on them to do so for planning purposes so you aren't in trouble numbers wise if the surprise you.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    In Response to Re: Tongue-tied:
    [QUOTE]You can invite with or without guests.  True etiquette calls for naming guests, though, not the ever popular "and guest" IF you know an unmarried person is dating someone - use their names.  If you want to give someone the option of bringing someone and you have no idea who (or even if) they might choose you can say "and guest."  That is optional.  Single people not dating do not automatically get to bring someone.  Unmarried people in relationships DO; you need to invite signficant others by name.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    I wish everyone thought like you. We had 9 weddings last year and only one invitation stated my FI's name on the invitation.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    In Response to Re: Tongue-tied:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tongue-tied : I wish everyone thought like you. We had 9 weddings last year and only one invitation stated my FI's name on the invitation.
    Posted by kinga9[/QUOTE]


    Wow, seriously? That's nuts! Married or engaged people absolutely, unequivocally must be invited together.  And I'd invite couples in serious, long-standing relationships. We didn't invite steadfastedly single folks with a guest, though. We also didn't invite anyone under 21 because we felt that our evening wedding was more for adults.

    This was a million posts ago, but Kar, I get why she didn't want to do it--and that's fine. But I'm sooooo sick of the super pious telling me that I'm a horrible person because I don't subscribe to their beliefs. (My aunt told me that I'm not really married because I didn't get married in a church. I told her the State of NH disagrees.) If DH's aunt had said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing it. Can't wait to go, though, it'll be fun!" that would have been fine. Instead I had to listen to a treatise on DH's and my alleged deficiencies. (I know you understand all of this and you aren't saying she was right, I'm just venting. :)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Indeed, she shouldn't have said anything other than a polite decline if she had moral problems with accepting.  I don't understand the judging and pushing.  If people are interested and want to know about someone's faith, they can ask.  Otherwise, it doesn't represent their faith well at all to be obnoxious and mean!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Epigal. Show Epigal's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    Some of these stories are awful! I really agree that weddings bring out the worst in some people (but the best in others). We had a FIRST DEGREE RELATIVE who refused to come to our wedding because we didn't invite children, even after we offered FREE on-site babysitting, and they had other family right down the street. We didn't invite ANY child under age 11 (family or friends) because it was an evening event with a party that involved alcohol and a lot of people.

    I would just tell you to be consistent in all decisions and answers, so nobody can say "but you let so-and-so have a date/child!"

    For the "+1" issues - we invited all married and engaged people, as well as people who had been dating a long time (including a couple of rowdy dates...). There was only one random date, from a girl I barely know from college (out of state)  - I think the assumption of getting a +1 is extremely rude, especially if you don't really know the B&G. At first I told her that he couldn't come due to space issues, but eventually we had enough room, so I said he could. It turns out she left him alone the whole night, where he sat and sulked in a corner all night, didn't dance, just drank a lot. Real considerate. Nobody wants to attend a wedding where they don't know anyone! We didn't have any uninvited guests.

    I actually had a situation in that our guest list was very close to the maximum allowed in the reception hall, so we had a valid excuse for not inviting some people. However, we did have some space open up late in the game (it's a long, stressful story), and were able to invite some more distant relatives that had initially been left off. We had explained everything to them previously, which they understood, and they all came to the wedding and had a great time!

    My best piece of advice? Get VALID, updated, ACCURATE guest lists from both families ASAP, and be very clear as to how many people they are allowed to invite. We had a misunderstanding in number of people versus number of invitations (25 invitations /> 25 people...) that almost caused a big problem :)


     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    I think it really depends on the crowd for the plus 1 issue. We are also mid-thirties and mostly everyone is married except 2 guests and 2 members of the wedding party (3 ladies, 1 man, all who lament their single status regularly). We're letting them bring dates because I hate people sitting there looking all forlorn at a wedding when slow songs are playing. There just wouldn't be anyone for them to dance with if we didn't, and I know it would make at least 2 of them feel worse if they had to "borrow" someone's husband to get a slow song in. 99% of our guest list is married so I just felt it would be more rude to have those four folks sitting there by themselves than to have 4 random dates at my wedding.  Now, it was different for my sister's wedding. Also mid-thirties but she had lots of single friends and lots of our relatives were still single at the time. She didn't do any plus ones for the hard and fast single folks and it worked out very well. Everyone had a great time and two of them met at the wedding and are now living together!
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Tongue-tied

    This is one of my favorite quotes:

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.  Wink

    In Response to Re: Tongue-tied:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tongue-tied : Wow, seriously? That's nuts! Married or engaged people absolutely, unequivocally must be invited together.  And I'd invite couples in serious, long-standing relationships. We didn't invite steadfastedly single folks with a guest, though. We also didn't invite anyone under 21 because we felt that our evening wedding was more for adults. This was a million posts ago, but Kar, I get why she didn't want to do it--and that's fine. But I'm sooooo sick of the super pious telling me that I'm a horrible person because I don't subscribe to their beliefs. (My aunt told me that I'm not really married because I didn't get married in a church. I told her the State of NH disagrees.) If DH's aunt had said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing it. Can't wait to go, though, it'll be fun!" that would have been fine. Instead I had to listen to a treatise on DH's and my alleged deficiencies. (I know you understand all of this and you aren't saying she was right, I'm just venting. :)
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease[/QUOTE]
     

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