new baby won't soothe with dad

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ladeeda2. Show ladeeda2's posts

    new baby won't soothe with dad

    hello all. i have a 2 month old ds who has just recently started to cry most of the time he is with his dad. our situation is a bit different in that my husband works late and doesn't get home until midnight while i am a stay at home mom.  clearly, ds spends most of his time with me and since i am also his primary food source (i nurse), i expect he would favor me to some degree.  yet, lately, ds seems to have very little tolerance for spending any time with my husband.  for example, he'll be all smiles with me and then be shrieking  a minute later with my husband.  this new development is causing my husband to lose his new parent confidence and it is beginning to cause some friction in our relationship as i try to "help" by sharing tactics that work for me with him as he struggles.  it makes me feel so awful to see how this is impacting my husband and it makes me sad to hear my son cry like that and to watch the two of them together in this struggle.  i should mention that my husband is wonderful with him and that he does make sure to spend a few hours with him each morning before work.  he also makes sure to be the main caregiver on weekends. (i'm there too but try to step back as much as possible to give them space to be together.) anyone go through this? tips? advice? should my husband be sticking it out through these moments of hard crying or handing him over? i vote for the first but am curious as to what people's experiences have been... anything more we could be doing? and how normal is this? tell me it will it pass soon... any insight would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from smileyd. Show smileyd's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    it's a phase that will eventually pass.  there'll come a time when kid prefers dad to mom as well (although those do seem to be less often).  i honestly suggest that you leave the house.  both of my girlsd went through this, and if i left, they'd be fine with dad, until i came home again, then it's just "i want mommy."  that will at least help with your husband's confidence.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from KT75. Show KT75's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    Are you nursing?  I remember in a bfeeding class that I took they advised that dad's should not hold the baby in a position that they would be fed in.  The baby gets confused and upset, the woman recommended holding the baby up on the shoulder.

    Neither of my kids went through this as newborns - DD does prefer one parent but it changes day to day.  I think If I were in this position I would talk to DH and say that I know its frustrating and I'm here to help but I think I'd want him to try and work it out his best by himself.  I would remove myself from the situation, for example do the dishes, laundry, something to keep myself busy.

    Its a tough stage, hope it passes quickly for the three of you!

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from roneil68. Show roneil68's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    It's totally a phase.  We went through the same thing.  My husband would get home and couldn't wait to get his hands on the baby and she would shriek.  Try having your husband face him outwards (is that a word?) or bring him outside.  Also have him hold the baby when you go out to run errands instead of bringing in the car seat. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    It is definitely something that happened in my house- and DH took it rough as well... but pushed through.

    my opinion...
    (1) basic rule, you shouldn't take over. it teaches DS to cry to get back to you and it can undermine trust in your relationship (both ways)
    (2) are you going to pump at all? using a bottle (Even if you are a stay at home mom) may be necessary at some times and it may be a nice thing that dad could do (feed his son once a day)
    (3) like smiley said- leave the house- hit the grocery store etc. it goes along with number 1 (if you are going to have dad try to feed, you really can't be there) and helps to stop the "let me help" thing that i always felt compelled to try.
    (4) when baby is asleep or not in either of your arms, as DH if there are things that you could do to help. Does he want the advice? does he want you to leave? my DH used to feed DS in this weird position, and I always tried to correct it but you know what... DS feeds and DH feels more comfortable that way. so its fine.... but it took me a while to get there.
    (5) kids have amazing powers to detect emotions- so if DH is getting freaked out or upset himself, and DS can hear you getting upset (in your voice) then it may be making the whole situation worse.  before you hand him over, ask if there is anything that he would like and then give them a minute (or 5) to get settled.

    good luck- it definitely passes. I was working one night a week when DS was this little, and the first night, he screamed the whole time (thank goodness I was at work!). but the following week he was fine and DH had his confidence back.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    Its a phase. You've gotten some good advice, but I'd also throw in baby wearing, you wear the baby in a moby during the day and DH can wear him in the moby too when he's home. Baby will be in that same snug hold smelling your DH a lot. Then throw in some humming from your DH and that should help (babies love that vibration-the man's voice is stronger than a womans and babies eat it up).

    Then napping, have DH nap with DS-no such thing as spoiling a baby this young. have DS nap right on yoru DH while he watches some TV/sits up.

    Praise your DH, boost his ego up. It's tough on any parent not to be able to soothe their crying child. so work on building DH up, he's a great dad and he'll have his own techniques he needs to find them.

    It's a phase that will end. Soon enough Daddy will be the best person on earth and you'll be chopped liver. :)

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from cwagner13. Show cwagner13's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    If you know that the baby is not hungry or has a wet diaper, then I would also echo what everyone else says - hand him over to DH then go out. That is what I do at home - even when DS wanted to hang onto me, I would just hand him over when I needed to do other things or go out for an errand or meeting. DH will distract him as soon as I am out of sight with some toys or song. Maybe have DH have an activity or toy that only comes out when DH is around? 2 months - more likely a routine that is unique to DH and soothing to DS. When DH was staying at home (at 3 months), he got a K'tan carrier that was his to use, and DS loved that. He also loved snuggling in his arms while being rocked in our recliner (I never did that, he seemed to always try to squirm out with me) and napping on top of DH while they "watch" football - although we found out at 2 months, DS hated the polo shirts that DH wore so when DH switched to cotton shirts, he stopped fussing as much when DH was holding DS against him. From what I recall, at this age, it was a case of out of sight (ear and smell range), out of mind - as long as I was clearly away, he settled down quickly with DH and they would find their own routines together.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from newcarsmelly. Show newcarsmelly's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    In Response to new baby won't soothe with dad:
    My DD did this to my hubby. It was so hard! But it's def. a phase. I know everyone is posting that but truly know that it will pass.
    I nursed and pumped so my DH was able to do some feeding - and believe me, when she was hungry - she didn't care who was giving it to her! ;) So I think that helped but didn't 'fix' the issue.
    When we were in the throws of this phase... one tip that worked for us was I would hold her and sit really close to my DH on the couch and just slowly over the course of 15-20 mins. or so, inch her closer and closer onto him and I would sit there and then I would just get up and walk out of the room. She did fine. It's a bit tedious but we really only had to do it 2 or 3 (maybe 4!) times. And I think it gave the hubby some daddy confidence back ;)
    Oh and if that doesn't work - I highly suggest as the other posters, just leave the house and grab a coffee, take a short walk etc.. Reassure hubby that he can deal and if he's just crying b/c he wants you - he really will be just fine for the short amount of time that you're gone. Best of luck - just remember - it will pass! :)
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Micromom. Show Micromom's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    A few other weird things-

    Does your hubs wear any cologne or strong smelling dederant etc?  Sometimes those smells can be overwhelming to a sensitive little nose.  

    Does your he have a smooth face?   Scratchy stubble can be ouchy.

    Like another poster mentioned, maybe try a nice old cotton t-shirt, soft and snuggly.

    We had something similar, but realized that he gets home from work at what I call the "witching hour" when baby is just cranky.  Can he shift his bonding time to the morning or late evening?

    Going for a walk outside seems to help ours everytime.  New stimulating environment takes the focus off the drama.

    Let dad do as much "fun stuff" as possible.  Whatever the baby likes, let them do it together to build a rapport.  

    I asked my husband what he'd advise. He said tell him not to take it personally (I know, it's hard to do), and definitelybe persistent, it's worth it.  He also said you should let dad & baby work it out on their own.  Even well intentioned "helping" can feel bad.

    It will definitely pass.  Hang in there!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from LilSprout. Show LilSprout's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    Hi ladeeda, I'm with you on this one too.  I am quickly catching up on posts so I haven't read all of the previous posters' comments, but my one comment is that when DH has DS, I can't be near them.  If DS knows I'm around, he'll prefer me...so I leave the room and let them have QT.  If he hears my voice/sees/smells me, he'll fuss until I'm holding him!  I think we're moving away from this now since he can sort of sit up in his lap and look at books...  so that's what DH is doing with him now. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ladeeda2. Show ladeeda2's posts

    Re: new baby won't soothe with dad

    thanks for the posts everyone... i had my husband read them all and i think it made him feel better to know that other people had dealt with this and that it was a phase... we plan to have me go out more during my son's daddy time so as to not create a tempting second choice for him. we also thought a lot about what things my husband could do with him that were special to only the two of them per your suggestions... so far we have come up with morning walks... which my son loves... and book time.  we'll also try the baby wearing and having all three of us spend time together sitting really close. oh- and i'm glad that people mentioned that babies can smell their moms... i thought i had read that somewhere along the way... 
     

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