Low...drive?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Low...drive?

    Sooo over the past few months or so DH has just kind of lost...interest. According to pop culture, we're in a role reversal (or Ray Romano sitcom) because I'm almost always ready and he's always, "I have a headache/I'm tired/I have homework" (he's working on a Master's). It's not that these aren't veritable excuses, it's just that getting shot down all the time is wearing on me and I'm starting to feel repulsive.

    This is more of a vent than anything, it's just driving me crazy.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from tomarra. Show tomarra's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Sorry WPP...DH and I will go through these phases off  & on through out the whole TTC phase.  It usually happens when he is really stressed out about work.  I usually sit down with him when I get upset about it and he usally comes around after a couple of days. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    WPP, this is totally normal.  When DH is stressed at work [which is about 90% of the time], he does the same thing. Unless I am running low on sleep, stress has the opposite effect on me, so it's frustrating. And you definitely do start to think you smell or are totally repulsive. :-) 

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    It's normal for us, too, at times.  DH gets stressed from work and nothing doin'.  I don't work and have a relatively stress free life so I'm always ready, and I feel pretty unattractive and all that stuff when he says, "Not tonight, Dear."  We're conditioned to think men are always up for it and women not so much, but the older I get the more I think that's a Hollywood perpetuated myth. 

    But, if it's stretching into weeks (and months?), I'd be concerned (and very frustrated!).  I'd consider getting counseling together to work out how he can better balance stress and marrital, uh, bliss if that were the case (um, not sure how I'd get DH to sign up for that, but, anyway).  But, the occassional week here and there where he's just not feeling too frisky is much less concerning to me now that we've been married awhile than it was at first.  I had the same "Ray Romano" vision of it that you did and thought there was something wrong with me, him, or both of us.  Nope.  I'm pretty sure temporary phases of disinterest like that are normal for both women and men and have nothing to do with their partner's attractiveness or anything like that.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Hang in there WPP.  I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  DH and I fit more of the stereotype (he's always up for it -- haha, couldn't resist, sorry), and stress, distraction and/or exhaustion often get the best of me. So from the other side, please believe me that it has nothing to do with you being repulsive. Stress and exhaustion affect your hormone balance, which affects drive. Keep the communication open and try different times - if he's tired at night, maybe set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier in the morning and try then. Or, even schedule it.  I know it sounds crazy but decide at dinner that you will do it that night.  Once you get going, his body will take over.   Seems like everyone goes through this. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from jennifyr78. Show jennifyr78's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    LOL, I was thinking about posting about the same thing, but on the pregnancy board, and for me, not DH.  I am now starting my 7th week (still thinking sticky thoughts!) and have zero interest.  DH is getting frustrated.  I've heard drive goes down in the first trimester, so I guess that's my excuse.  My breasts hurt, I am starting to get a little nauseous, and I am tired a lot.  I just don't want to right now.  Is that normal?
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Wow, well I feel better knowing that this is normal! This isn't the kind of thing I talk about with my friends, so hooray for these boards. :)

    I'm going to try talking to him about it tonight. My parents are visiting for a long weekend, so the hiatus may last a big longer....
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Novembride. Show Novembride's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Jenn - in case you didn't see, the thread on this topic in pregnancy has been bumped - check it out.  Mostl new mamas asking about post-birth, but I'd guess some of them may have gone through it while pregnant, too.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    WPP, try to relax about talking to him about it.  I'm betting it has NOTHING to do with you and he'll welcome the opportunity to talk about what's going on with him.  Try to frame it outside of the bedroom, first.  Start with something like, "You don't seem like yourself lately, and I'm starting to take it personally because I don't know what is bothering you."  See where the conversation goes, and work in at a natural time how it seems to be affecting his desire or ability to show physical affection, too, and ask if he wouldn't mind talking about it because not only do you want to be there for him emotionally, you'd feel better about your own attractiveness to him, too.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I realize I may be in the minority here, but this is not something DH wants to talk about.  I get an exasperated "I'm just tired" and then an abrupt change of topic.  Don't harp on it if he doesn't want to talk about it.  I've tried different ways of bringing it up, but get the same reaction every time.  For whatever reason, he adamantly refuses to talk about it.  I'd rather not embarass him further, so I let it go. When he's in the mood, he's in the mood.  It balances itself out in the end. So don't freak if you don't get a Romantic Comedy/Chick Flick reaction of him being relieved you brought the topic up and then him emoting or discussing his feelings at length. It may happen, and I"m sure it does in some instances, but it doesn't always happen and does not mean that he finds you repulsive, etc. GL. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from tomarra. Show tomarra's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I guess it all comes down to the couple and how they handle things.  I agree with kar...that address it on non conflict way it best.  When we were in the beginning stages I would let it slide for the most part.  But by talking about it we both realized that fears and worries played a role in our lack of drive.  Once we got that out on the table things got better.  When I got started on inferility meds (something we both agreed on) I would address his lack of drive mainly because I didn't want my time or our money on it if he loss interest.  God, I hope this makes sense.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    My DH isn't all warm and fuzzy about talking about it, either.  However, if he finds out I'm taking his behavior personally and getting hurt by it he's willing to talk about what's driving his lack of interest to put me at ease 'til his storm passes.  I'm not talking about a movie moment, just an acknowledgement from him that he still finds me attractive and the dry spell has nothing to do with me.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from thistleflower. Show thistleflower's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Like Jenn, I've been on the other side of this one lately.  Even before I got pregnant, I was really worn out by all the BDing, and since getting pregnant, I was first freaked out about an ectopic pregnancy, then freaked out about miscarriage, and also nauseous and exhausted.  So basically I've had little to no interest whatsoever for months.  Anyway, my DH and I have talked about it, and I think it was reassuring for me to know that he loves me anyway and it's something we'll work through.  And having the conversation made me realize that he was feeling sad and rejected about it, and I've been making more effort to get in the mood since we talked.  Obviously this varies for different couples, but it was good for us to talk about it.  (Also, for Jenn--I do think it's normal.  For me it's complicated by my extraordinary paranoia about this pregnancy, but I can't imagine nausea, exhaustion and sexual desire go together for very many people.)
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I'm not saying don't discuss it or don't expect a positive response. What I am saying is that he may not do or say much in response other than grunt or give you monosyllabic replies. Get your worries out there, but don't go into it too much. I've had to tell DH that we need to use lube sometimes b/c my allergy meds cause me issues, not b/c he's not doing anything right. I know  this frustrates him but I also know he would never initiate a discussion about it, so I did it.  His response when I remind him of this is "okay", and then he changes the subject.  I would suggest stating your concerns in a brief, matter of fact, prefaced by "I feel", get a response and then move on.   

    ETA: My personal feeling is that men are much more straigtforward than women are. I think this is due in part to the fact that many women don't want to hurt someone's feelings. We lie and say "I have a headache" when what we really mean is we aren't in the mood, or are PO'ed at something he did but don't want to discuss it. When men say "not tonight, I'm tired" it usually just means they are tired.  I know it's hard not to take it personally when it keeps happening, but he probably is just tired. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    5 minutes of uncomfortable conversation to stem the tide of sadness and rejection one partner feels for the lack of affection is worth it imo.  Otherwise, that sadness and rejection becomes internalized resentment in my experience, anyway.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I think my DH is more like ALF's. We talked a little tonight, but he gets embarrassed (though I've never understood why; it's not like I'm going to post whatever he says on facebook). Since my parents are coming to visit, things will have to go on hiatus for a bit longer. Not an ideal time, but there aren't really other options.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Ask him if it's you, accept the answer as the truth, and then try to relax until he feels more like himself, again...probably after the parents are gone. :)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    How's it going, WPP?
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I like the follow up, Kar. 

    I'm also curious, WPP, if your decision to take a break on TTC until after you've finished school has made an impact?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Hopefully taking the baby pressure off has helped.  I know my DH is much more likely to be in the mood when he doesn't think he HAS to be.  And, I'm finally wrapping my mind and heart around the fact that a guy does have to be in the mood unlike how it's depicted to be on TV and in the movies.  
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    Yeah, I think movies have seriously skewed my view on this (I didn't realize I was so impressionable!). I thought guys were supposed to be up for it all the time (pardon the pun...Tongue out).

    I asked DH if he felt pressure from the baby thing, but he said that he's really not nervous about that. He's very zen about TTC. His friends just had a baby boy last week (super adorable!) and after DH saw photos, he was like, "Wow. That's really cool." He said he feels like he's at a point in his life where it's a natural step. And he really wants to coach little kid soccer.

    Anyway, he has a cold right now that I really don't want--and I am of a much weaker constitution than he is--so that's on hold. But I don't know, it's still slow going. I also don't know what's average for other couples...but for us it's once every week and a half or so (TMI? Sorry!). I don't know if age has anything to do with it. He's 28...we started dating when he was 23 and it was *much* different then.

    I'm looking at it with a different perspective, though. Before I was freaking out that he found me repulsive, but now I'm starting to accept that he may just have a lower drive than I do. Ha, I dragged my friend out to CondomWorld on Newbury St (which her boyfriend was really excited about; she and I have the opposite problem) to get a thing or two....that's a temporary solution. I feel like Elaine on that Seinfeld episode where her abstinance made her head fuzzy and she was unable to focus, while Puddy got way smarter.

    Oh, you've learned so much about me from this post! Tongue out
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    WPP, thanks for sharing. We did learn a lot from you!  I ask questions that are TMI all the time so no worries about that... we are running an average of once a weekend.  Some weeks more, some weeks less.  If I remember correctly DH and I are the same age as your DH and you (28 and 26, respectively). I will say that our frequency has decreased significantly over the years, more than anything it can be attributed to our work schedules. We are trying to work on that but it's hard finding the time and energy.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    While once every week and a half seems very infrequent to me (although, I don't know the average for married couples, either), it might just be his natural drive.  But, on the other hand, you said it was much more frequent not all that long ago - 28 shouldn't be old enough to impact drive, honestly.  Maybe he's suffering from low testosterone or some other medical condition that is directly affecting his sex drive.  Maybe he'll agree to see the doc?  He wouldn't want a medical condition to get in the way of your intimacy - marriage is tough enough as it is.  Staying connected even if that means compromise as far as drive goes (you accepting less and his putting out more) is extremely important, imo.

    And, I'm glad you've taken the focus off you and internalized that you are not repulsive to him.  I'm SURE that's a factual assumption...he married you, after all, so he finds you sexually attractive.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    i don't think it's weird to do it 1x a week or for it to have dropped off since you were first dating/younger...  seems pretty natural to me.  sorry, not offering much to the convo but i don't think you should worry about needing to see a counselor - every couple is different.  my two cents!

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Low...drive?

    I think it's important not to let it drift off the radar.  It does take effort as a couple gets older, but it doesn't have to diminish dramatically, and sex helps keep couples close.  The normal divorce rate is 50%; that doesn't make it cool to just sit back and let life happen and not proactively take care of things that keep your marriage tight.

    How much sex a couple needs to feel connected in an intimate way varies couple to couple, but whatever they DO need does matter.

    If they feel connected with the amount of sex they have, it's all they need.  Otherwise, it's a problem that will only get worse as patterns that aren't working for them become more ingrained.
     

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