The "who's who" of Pro Regional NFL Central High School...
posted at 7/26/2012 11:11 PM EDT
[This is a light-hearted act of a whimsical literary creation...Do'ya wanna have fun with this, or Do you wanna get into a discussion based off of responses such as, "Apparently, some folks never left high school?" ...It's up to you.]
New England: Wanna know who NE is in a purely High School sense? I'll tell'ya: The Patriots are the most popular kid...They're the one nearly EVERY-one likes (which is striking, b/c the top dog oftentimes has MORE than his/her share of hate & haters). But NE's different- Pats are the "popular kid" who plays on the football team in the Fall & the lacrosse team in the spring. He hangs out with j0cks before and after practice, takes lunch with the preppy collegiate upper-tier kids at lunchbreak, chills in study hall with those commonly referred to as "the n3rds/brainiacs" and the like (don't blame me for the "nerd" euphemism); Smokes a boggie w/ the greasers/goths/disillusioned mutants behind the bleachers or out back somewhere... He treats those equal based on what they do & say and what they give & say, nothin' more. Pressumptions based on "acceptable tiered roles" and "preconceived tiers of respect" do not factor in. We don't give a sh#t If you're popular, or wealthy, or what your last name is, or have 12 older brothers clearing your way in classes ahead of you, or if you're a st0ner or a super-j0ck... If you're a d#ckhead, you're a d#ckhead regardless of these facts. Also, We don't even care who we p#ss-off- The principal, Popular Kids, Our part-time job Boss...couldn't care less=If they're doin something we don't like, odds are we'll let'em know through some act of recognizable contempt. In ALL, We're good guys and straight-shooters at heart and we're good at what we do...Thus: We sorta send out the irksome message to some of the other big boys, that come he!! or highwater=We're gonna do WhateverTH we want.
New York Giants: Think "slightly younger-looking, out-of-towner 'Up-Start' attempting to usurp the head HS kid" folks... No- This neither means that NE is a d##chebag like "Johnny" from Karate Kid, nor anything of this sort. He (NYGs/Out-of-town Senior HS transfer)-IS taking a few things from us that we don't like- #1. Our Girlfriend (The Lombardi)- NOT too happy about this... #2. Added "props" from taking said "Girlfriend" (More popularity & respect granted his way, at the expense of some loss to our own). This is a weird set-up, if ya ask me? No good 1980's cinematic metaphor that I can come up with... We don't despise NYGs enough to be trully vicious to them either way due to their meteoric rise, and they grant us enough due long-standing head-pillar respect still, that there's no true animosity that has occured (or is even in the boiling stage in any way). Either way, NE (us) respects them... They made it and reached for the stars not once, but bested us twice. Eh? Svx for us...but who cares, right? It's our fault, and our loss... High as he's seated, we don't trully care enough to view said "New Kid" as that much of a true threat that could damage our long-standing seat at the top...let'em have his fun=We're cool like that.
Pittsburgh: Try this- Ready? Remember the movie, "Dazed & Confused?" #1- The head guy is probably the single closest parrallel I could hope to conjure up for NE's "HS 'Embodied Persona'", while the Pittsburgh Steelers fit that dirty-blonde roughneck burly Football Team close friend that the head kid has, To A "T" (the guy who's cool to the young freshman guy hangin' out w/ them by tellin' the kid that if he doesn't pay any attention to the girl he's eyein', That she'll love'im even more; The guy who asks the girl goin' through cheerleader hazing if she "sp!ts or swallows" prior to the Senior HS girl doing the hazing calls the guy "an #ssh$le"). Lol...We like him. He's tough as nails. We've tangled a few times, and we've come out on top a few more than he has...But it wasn't fun on either of our parts. We're o.k. not throwin' down too often with him, just as He is with us. That's Respect. He's a hard-charger, and we dig that- In some theoretical time of outside turmoil, we know that he'd get our back just as he knows that we'd get his. IF we died tommorrow, the only we'd want to happen, is for Steel to fully take our solidified top-dog spot, and kick to the curb, said "New Guy" (sorta a whining, unspecial, "miracle-his-way-to-victory" 'Daniel Larusso' of <i.e.> The Jersey NY Giants). We feel that our bud, Pittsburgh, Is the only other who can live up the reality of the last line of ideals and overall outward attitude illustrated on the last line of our own, NE Patriots persona breakdown (above).
Baltimore: Juicehead... We don't like messin' with him. It's not that we trully "fear" him per se...No- We don't really recognize the true threat of The Ravens making it to the "tippey-top". 'Lota "in's and out's" to make it that far- Just as much cognitive capacity is needed in order to make it to the pinnacle, as physical abilities...We correctly view the juiced-up Captain of The Wrestling Team, as being altogether SO utterly devoid of the "cognitive" capabilities to make it to the top, that We don't look to him as any true challenge to our throne. I mean, sure- We respect him because IF he's ragin', He might both beat us and then chew of our ear or something...But we've bested him an equal number of times too, and even IF he's roid-ragin' towards beating down the Pats to a bloody pulp in any given occurence which may unfold, We can still count on him to do something like go mental Inside a late-night dinner and get arrested in the end- The top-seat is thus secure, from Baltimore's crazy rage-induced grasp.
NY Jets: The loudmouth... The "Pr!ck".... The "Bully". Jet's are the HS'er who've managed to master the same number of recognizable multi-syllablic utterances and grunts and yells, as he has actual multi-syllabic actual recognized words. Uggh, He's beat us 3X outta 6000...yet- We will N-ever, E-verrr, hear the end of it. NO-one will, in fact: We'll drive by the town's local watering hole 20 YEARS from now, And there he'll be- Mr. NY Jet and his oversized pick-up taking up 2 front parking spots...And inside the tavern, You KNOW that he'll be waxing on endlessly about how he "Owned us for a Decade", and WhoTH knows what else he'll have conjured up and slopped-on painted onto his reminisced glory-days of yester-year. We choose not to stop in for a drink with our old bud, Mr. NY Jet=Nothing to be gained... Even though outting and challenging him would feel nice, Odds are he'll just back down prior to stabbing us the moment we need to visit the urinal. He doesn't really care if he's heading back to the pen anyway... Other than this, NY Jets HS'er whittles his day away in woodshop, detention, the cafeteria, and for some reason (he says it's to beat up 14 year old freshmen)- The boys gym lockeroom...even though we're fairly certain, he doesn't even play a sport.
Indianapolis Colts: Preppy tattle-tale. NOT to be confused with: "Zach Morris- Trouble-causing Preppy-extraordinaire"...no. This is the preppy that causes no trouble...ever. Maybe he played Baseball or Tennis for 1 year...He cheats in Exams, but sorta weasles his way towards never getting caught. "My Sh-#t don't stink"- the actual embroidering on his special order LL Bean Back-pack. He doesn't work, but drives a Lexus. He's friends with the principal (TWO of the few people who really, REALLY don't like us). Annnnd, he narcs on us whenever or however he can. And he says that "IF we touch him," He'll "tell the Principal", and then "We'll get Suspended"...again.