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Inside Ted Williams's brain
By Alex Beam, Globe Columnist, 7/16/2002
I guess I'm not in Florida anymore. What the heck happened? I thought I checked the box for the other thing. The hot thing. Then John Henry said I might be going to Arizona, which seemed OK. This sure as hell doesn't feel like Arizona. Dammit, things get screwed up when you have to depend on other people. That was the great thing about baseball. Just you and the horsehide. Or fishing. Just you and the fish. Once people get involved, it's trouble. It's nice that I have one of these big thermoses all to myself. Who else is in this place? It's hard to turn around. There's somebody waving at me - Future Man 2030. He plans to come back in 2030. That would be around the time the Red Sox win the World Series or John Henry runs out of signed balls to sell. Whichever comes first. There's that hippie guitarist who died young, and the writer from ''The Carol Burnett Show.'' Was that really such a great show? Is he worth saving? I could understand Walt Disney, sure; you know, somebody who made a real contribution. Why didn't they freeze Nixon? Jesus, what a guy. Not like those Bushes. The father played varsity baseball at a girlie school in Connecticut and talks about it all the time. Some rich fellas gave the son a lousy team to run and he talks about that all the time. How do I know they're lousy? I managed them in Washington and Texas. There's a guy in a lab coat walking around, with a newspaper reporter taking notes. Is that the Globe jerk who left me off the Most Valuable Player ballot? No, he's long gone. Weird, it looks like they're upside-down. No wait, I'm upside-down. Must be a new version of the Williams shift. What's he saying? Can't tell ... but I can read the reporter's notes from here. ''Complete metabolic regeneration possible in 50 years ... risky procedure ... many uncertainties ... .'' Not a science like hitting, I guess. What did John Henry get me into? Wait, more notes. ''Alcor staff calls Williams `Ice Man' and `Cool Dude.''' Hey! That's not funny. I've got to control my temper. Not like when that Esquire writer hung around the house in the '80s. Talk about salty language! How could I know he was taking notes? Wait a minute ... Richard Ben Cramer. That's the guy who published the bestseller about the ''dark side'' of Joe DiMaggio 20 minutes after the Clipper kicked the bucket. Do you think he's coming after me? Good luck, pal. No dark side here. Don't think so? Come closer and I'll spit on you. Can we have visitors? Something tells me John Henry will be by soon, with an armload of bats and a few boxes of balls. Signing the American flag was a great idea. Terrorism stuff was good for business. Maybe he can bring in a few dozen more of those; the Bushes can wave them around if they show up at Fenway next week. I wonder how many of those Ted Williams Limited Edition Collecticritter Stuffed Bears we sold off the Web site. The $750 miniature gold-plated Ted Williams bench didn't exactly hop off the shelves. Know why? Because Ted Williams never sat on the bench, that's why. I wonder if they'll put Pedro in here, and that California kid, Nomar. Man, he can hit. Is it too late to dig up Babe Ruth and Jimmie Foxx? We could have a hell of a team. Hey, Future Man! I'd say that 2030 World Series is on ice! I saw something on TV about Bobby-Jo trying to get me out of here, maybe pack me off to the hot thing like we originally planned. I don't really feel up to another move. And it's not very healthy, you know, to go from one temperature extreme to another. All things being equal, I'd rather be fishing. Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.
This story ran on page E1 of the Boston Globe on 7/16/2002.
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osh all fishhooks, it's cold in here. Who turned up the air conditioning?